My house was broken into today.
My sister is having another (unexpected) surgery this week.
My friend is trying to repair a broken life.
I am exhausted.
I'm also quite shocked: my instinct has been to look for the good in each of these situations.
The son-of-a-bitch didn't get to steal anything. The alarm and a nosy (wonderful) neighbor scared him off before he could take a single thing.
My sister's surgery will hopefully prevent any further complications.
My friend is being brave and will come out of this better off in the end.
That is what I have concluded in each of these cases.
And anyone who has known me for a long time knows that it is a BIG deal that I even came to those conclusions all on my own...no tears, no hysteria, no panic, no Hubby or Dear Friend calming me down from That Dark Place I can go to in my head.
But I'm exhausted. I feel like life is shifting underneath my feet. Have you ever seen those crazy balance boards they have in gyms that look like skateboards with no wheels? You stand on them and try to balance without letting either side hit the floor? It's like that. Like I'm on one of those lately.
And although I do feel a bit spent lately, I am shocked how, on most days, I am just moving along, doing my thing, preparing dinners, packing lunches, making plans, going to work, fretting about those extra 5 pounds, just going about life. There's definitely been some weight on my shoulders lately, and yet I've managed to carry it at least somewhat gracefully.
And so now I am sitting here in bed, trying to go to sleep early, my body aching for the rest, but my head is spinning...a flurry of thoughts about my sister, my parents, my brother-in-law; my friend and her pain; my home and what could have been lost (not so much material...I have come to the realization today that except for a couple of TVs and a couple of cheap laptops, we have virtually nothing a burglar would want). There it is again: that head of mine...always full of noise. And as evidenced by this post, I have no point, no lesson, or epiphany to share...just a lot of noise drowning out my peace.
Hi - let me congratulate you on your level-headedness as burglary scares most people silly. Even if it's just the concept of intrusion and loss rather than the reality. And on everything else - almost too dreadful to utter, may these shifting times pass quickly. I am really interested in your comment that you carry on regardless and I too look back on hard times I have had and find it bizarre that actually in those times I had good memories and made plans and functioned normally. I guess maybe this is the deal: when at 'our' age, life in general has so many layers that there is always something to worry about. The worry is crippling and living with it long term does lead to this constant 'noise'.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what to suggest other than...blog it if it helps. Deep breath. Lou x
Sending hugs - because I know exactly what you mean; I've been there too battling with the noise. And yet, somehow we do carry on - if only because our children need us to do so.
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