I had a mini girls' getaway this weekend. A friend and I drove a few hours out of town to stay over at another friend's house. This is the first time I've done this in...well, I don't know if I've ever done this.
It was startlingly relaxing.
The moment I got in my car on Friday after work and started the drive, I felt liberated. I hadn't expected to. In fact, I thought I would be stressed...both kids were still kinda sick and it had been a busy, hectic week. I was struck immediately with the realization: I had no responsibilities. None. The only thing required of me for the next 24 hours was to sit and chat and drink wine with two of the most amazing women I know.
A few hours into the trip, I felt incredibly disconnected, but in a good way. Disconnected from the roles I play every single day, by choice. Disconnected from what defines me...from who defines me. I realized I was standing there, just Me. Not Mama. Not Wife. Just Me.
Don't get me wrong: I spend a lot of time away from the kids, but it's usually with Hubby for my Babysitting Nights or, if I'm completely alone, it's for short periods of time with a very specific purpose: running, gym time, errands. This was different. This was more of a hyper-awareness of the lack of their presence. Almost like that panicked feeling you get sometimes when you realize you're missing something: "Where's my purse? My keys? What did I forget?"
I love being alone with Hubby. It is my Most Favorite. It's when I feel most complete, content. I know that's not politically correct in today's Independent Woman World, but it's true. I am comfortable enough within our relationship to be able to say that I am better with him. We are better together. It's not about co-dependence. It's simpler. It's about happiness. I am happiest when we are together, alone, uninterrupted--like the olden' days. But being away this weekend made me realize I almost have never been. It's not that I don't like being alone. It's just that over the last several years, my life has just worked out that way. Time is scarce, so it has to be rationed: Family Time, Hubby Time, Everything Else.
I've been restless lately...going through a new phase, revisiting old dreams, attempting to reinvent myself yet again. All the while, looking for new connections, trying to relate to the people around me, searching for others who might be able to relate to my journey, my wanderings. And I realized this weekend that maybe the Universe has set up my life right now so that I am wandering a bit on my own. Maybe I'm finally supposed to ration out some time Just For Me...not just to go shopping for a while or go on a long run, but to simply exist. To be. Separate from those three men who are most important in my life, the ones who define me. Just Me. Alone. Quiet. Noisy. In my own head.