Sunday, August 30, 2009

(Another) New Version of Me

I am restless.

I get like this, every so often. It's like I'm on the cusp of something...another phase of my life, of Me. Something within me starts to twitch, fidget, searching for Change. The thing is, I can't really explain what it is...the thing I want to change. I'm just in this odd place where I'm searching, looking, listening, paying attention a lot. To the Universe. To my choices. The people I've chosen to spend my time with. The way I live my life everyday. The person I am.

It's hard to talk about, really, not because it's so dramatic, but because it's all very abstract. It's not like A Thing, as in: "What is the one thing you want to change right now?" Overall, in fact, I'm incredibly content with my life and where it is: I've got the house I wanted, the man I'm still obsessed with, the kids I'd prayed for (who are both out of the infant stage), the job I enjoy, and even the number I've yearned to see on the scale (almost, anyways). Everything is good. I should be still. Quiet. Move right along. But there is something there...

I feel like I'm entering a new phase of Me. For so many years I had been either: thinking about having children, trying to get pregnant, pregnant, recovering from a pregnancy, or tending to a baby. They can be all-consuming, those stages. Now, those years are behind me. And although I will always be Mama, it almost feels like it's a little different now: like I can settle into my Self again...decide who I want to be. Again.

It's funny; I hate change. I hate when Life throws stuff at me and I am expected to go with the flow, adapt, change. It makes me cringe. But when the change is internal, when I can control it, when I can force myself out of my comfort zone and morph into a better version of myself, then I'm good. I swim in it...the discomfort and restlessness of change. It does not even have to be big change; most of the times I've gone through stages like this, no one has noticed except those closest to me...we're talking Hubby and maybe a friend or two. But the changes within have been major, for me. They have always stretched me, made me look within, figure something out, find something new.

So I've been thinking a lot. Daydreaming. Analyzing.


Ugh, such a pretentious word. It makes it all sound so dramatic...when I think maybe all I'm looking for is a little more noise, a little more flair, and a little more Life. A little more Me.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get this way too. It always happens when things are going smoothly and I don't have anything to obsess over or worry about. I have a hard time just "being" and enjoying when things are "quiet". So it's these times that I look for change. I hope whatever changes you settle into add to your happiness and enhance the good going on!


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