Two Years and a Second Wind

So it seems that this little blogging experiment has gone on a little longer than I had expected: I am now celebrating my two year anniversary. I’ve had my highs and lows: times when I posted frequently and the blog was constantly on my mind, times I barely got on here at all and even resented the blog’s existence…but overall, I can no longer imagine my life, my Self, without this little outlet. Not only has this blog given me a place to vent, but it’s given me a place to connect with others, make friends, and chronicle my life.

I took a few minutes to look back and read some of my first entries. There was definitely a pattern then: it was almost all about The Boys and my frustrations with parenting. My friend once called my blog, during its early stages, “the greatest form of birth control.” Yep. I complained about everything: sick kids (one of my most frequent labels then was actually “vomit”!), canceled vacations, lack of sleep, spilled milk (literally), messy rooms. I did have my occasional posts of joyous celebrations in parenting, too, but mainly, I had tunnel vision: my kids demanded so much of my time and energy, and I was having so much trouble adjusting to my new role in life, that all I saw was motherhood. Every little thing seemed worthy of a post, because every little thing was so new. Every little thing was a Thing. And I was constantly trying to figure every Thing out.

Now, I’ve been at this “job” for 5 ½ years. Hubby and I have finally fallen into a flow. We’ve all sort of figured each other out and settled in to being a part of this Foursome. The kids are no longer a part of us that we try to fight against or live our lives in spite of…they’ve become a seamless part of who we are, as a couple and as individuals. Life with two little kids is now just that: Our Life.

I am not seeing the world so much through Mommy-colored glasses anymore. I am no longer in a perpetual battle to find my sense of self, to lose the baby weight, to adjust to the requirements of parenting, to figure out what the hell I had gotten myself into. Parenting, now, just is. And as a result, I, too, can just Be.

My blog title suited my life perfectly two years ago. It felt, then, that everything in my life had changed, that everything had become a struggle and a challenge within this attempt to balance life and motherhood. Now, I don’t always feel the need to write about my kids or my struggles and successes with them. I know that the person I am has been forever changed by the births of my sons. I know that the way I look at life, the way I behave, my priorities, my beliefs, and my values…they’ve all been irrevocably altered by parenthood. And I know that when I need a place to shout and scream in frustration about my kid’s behavior in school or my feeling of helplessness when one of them gets hurt or how much I hate the everyday chore of bath time, I can come here, to this place, and get it all out.

But lately, I find that my topics are less about them and more about me, more about life, more about nothing and everything…from cooking (or should I say, not cooking) to running to just random me-ness. I think, somewhere along the line, I’ve finally become a Woman Who Happens To Have Kids. And fortunately, I’ve come to love my new place, my new role, my new me…the one that can be Mama without always worrying about sacrificing the rest of her.

So now, here I am…two years later. I have carved out this little space in the world for myself to be Me, to yell and scream and cheer and ponder and wonder and celebrate and question and muse: This little blog, where the only rules are those which I choose to impose upon myself.... This little blog, which, after 172 entries and a period during which I even considered closing up shop, I’m now more excited about then ever…because it’s taken a life of its own: my life, and not just as a mom, but as Me.