Tuesday, April 2, 2013
All the crazy sh*t running around in my head these days: My Life, in Lists
I am always a little hesitant to post one of my "Lists Series" entries, because over the last few months, Hubby has taken to snarkily smirking: "Let me guess: is it a list?" when I tell him I've blogged. He caught on (pretty much like the rest of you) that as my blogging became more and more sporadic, the List Series became more and more prevalent. It's not a cop-out. I swear. But, yes, it is easier than formulating a poignant but witty post in full prose. And I really do think in lists. I swear. So here it is...sorta stream-of-consciousness writing meets My Life in Lists series.
If you could look inside my head, here's what I've been thinking (or repressing):
1. I need to lose weight.
2. I need to meditate more.
3. I need to talk less.
4. I need to listen more.
5. I need to ask people more questions.
6. Technically, my sister doesn't have cancer anymore, but she's still really, really broken.
7. Will anyone in my family ever feel and act normal again?
8. I need to find another 50 Shades-type of book.
9. I need to read more smart stuff.
10. Why am I not into my blog anymore?
11. How am I going to be able to contain myself from sobbing audibly at my youngest son's preschool graduation next month?
12. Why can't they just stop growing?
13. I am so glad I took a picture of his hand dimples. They are nearly gone.
14. How come when one person goes through some really bad shit, it can bring you closer to them?
15. What if my friend gets a divorce, moves away, and I never see her again?
16. What's up with my suddenly cracked heels? Is this a new "forty-something thing"?
17. How come my 40th birthday trip to Vegas feels sooooo far away?
18. How come my 2 nights of babysitting for my anniversary last week feel sooooo far away?
19. Will I regret wishing my babies would grow up faster when they were little?
20. How can I truly enjoy, savor, relish, live every single second of their little kid-ness that's left?
21. Is it true that mothers of boys grow old alone?
22. Do grown men ever really want to take their mothers out to lunch?
23. Will my daughters-in-law hate me?
24. WTF has come over me as a mother lately?
25. I need to furnish the family room.
26. This cough is driving me fucking insane.
27. I need to be on Facebook less and back in the blogosphere more.
28. Do I drink too much?
29. Does alcohol really cause cancer?
30. Does my deodorant and super fantastic MAC makeup really cause cancer?
31. Does anything NOT cause cancer?
32. I can't believe I'm 40.
33. There are only forty-something days left of school until summer vacation.
34. Am I wasting my life by counting down school days until summer vacation every year?
35. How come I still love him this much after 13 years together? Will that shoe ever fall?
36. How many more "good years" does my dearest friend have left? How will I survive her passing when the time comes?
37. How many more "good years" do my parents have?
38. If I had to have chemo, I think I'd get a crew cut and dye it purple before it fell out.
39. I love my new tattoos.
40. I miss Paris.
41. Is it possible to be The Girl I Was In Paris here at home?
42. I loved that girl.
43. Thank God this winter has been hot as hell here.
44. I can't wear my new bikini until I lose 4 pounds, at least.
45. Fuck the four pounds. Life is too short. And a 31-year-old told me yesterday there was "absolutely no way" she believed I was 40.
46. I will not buy any more black clothing.
47. If it weren't for the FCAT, I'd still love my job.
48. Breathe more.
49. "I am responsible for the energy I bring to this space."
50. I have GOT to get better at being fully present.
51. I absolutely can not end a list like this with #50. It's too cliché.