Friday, December 7, 2012

A little out of it

I haven't been here in forever.

I must admit that this time around, it is not just Life, and the usual excuses of being busy or tired. Yes, I am busy. Yes, I am tired (perpetually). But really, the truth is I've been avoiding this place.

I don't have anything to write, I think, because I actually have too much to write about.

Does that make sense to anyone?

There's been too much going in life, and therefore, in my head, lately, and I feel like coming here would be like opening up Pandora's Box. And sometimes, you really gotta get in there: yank that sucker open and delve in. But other times--and I think this is one of those--that I'd rather lock it up and sit on it like an overstuffed suitcase.

I just don't want to Go There. Not yet, anyways. I know the time will come when I will need to ponder, to question, to try to make sense of stuff, and to get it all out. But for now, for just the next few weeks, I would like to practice a little bit of denial. Ignorance is bliss, and all that.

You see, I feel like if I reflect too much, I might have to face some harsh realities: my sister's current situation, the fact that I'm about to hit a major age milestone, and the sudden awareness of the passing of time. (I have not forced myself into such ignorance that I do not realize the obvious link here.)

Since my last post, my sister is healing well. (Thank you to all who have prayed, sent well-wishes, asked about her...) She is still not at the end of her journey (as if any of us ever are), and the family is still struggling day-to-day. There are Big Lessons here. Big. I just don't have the energy to try to figure those out yet.

There is this birthday thing: 40. I will be 40 in just a couple of weeks. That's pretty big, too. And I feel like I'm a little too fragile right now to get all self-reflective and melodramatic and poignant.

My babies are gone. I can't quite come to terms with the deliciousness that is my 4-year-old and my 7-year-old who I feel are growing up so fast, I can't bear it.

And the holidays...this time of year always makes me all pensive.

So I am doing something I usually am not so good at: avoiding. Instead, I am choosing to immerse myself in the busy-ness of this time of year and the excitement of my upcoming birthday trip (Vegas BABY!). There will be plenty of time (and I know myself well enough to know that I don't avoid for very long) to poke around in my subconscious and try to figure out some of the emotions that I've been try to  make sense of or come to terms with or have some sort of epiphany or Something...but for now, I'm just going to put my energies into figuring out which stilettos will look the best and hurt the least in Vegas (as if!), and what Santa is going to bring my little boys. There will be time for heavy stuff. Right now, I just want light.


  1. We are on the same page here. You took the words right out of my mouth. My little space feels too serious and overwhelming for all of the things that I have been pondering so I am focusing on the light stuff. Vegas is coming. Your babies are still your babies. (Because mine is 5 and he is still my baby). I am hopeful for your sister. This is the time to hold peace in your heart and make merry. The over-analytical stuff can wait til 2013.
    All the best,

  2. I agree, your babies are still babies. Mine is still my baby and he hit 18 this year (OMG, how did that happen?). I am keeping your sister and all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

    As for 40? It only looks intimidating as it approaches - after it arrives it's no big deal.

  3. Holding you and your in light, praying for awesome stilettos that don't hurt (much)...XOXO

  4. Am v jealous of Vegas - enjoy all the planning of what is going to be a Great Big Trip

    And yes, I find the bigger the things I have to write the harder they are to write - sometimes just writing a draft can help get things written down and be the first step in feeling a tiny bit more in control


  5. Will be here when you're ready to Go There. In the meantime, sending you hugs and birthday wishes. xo

  6. Hey Liz. I've just been getting caught up on your blog and your whirlwind of a life of late. I've always felt a connection with you. Our ages, our kids' ages, our one-ovary status ... I wish I could give you a big hug, have a glass of wine (or two) in your company, and make things even just a little bit easier for you. I'll reluctantly settle for saying Happy 40th! and I hope that 2013 brings with it much happiness and good fortune and ease to you and your family.


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