Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Making no sense at all...

I am out of sorts.

So much so, in fact, that I have been unable to write. I have no coherent thoughts. Lately, my brain has been a jumble of mashed randomness. Or, completely blank.

This emptiness can sometimes be a welcome reprieve for me, but it's been going on too long. So I thought I would write about just that: my out-of-sorts-ness.

It seems this may not have been such a good idea, however, because it has taken me 11 minutes just to write this little bit. And that's not even counting the several minutes during which the cursor blinked on my screen, urgently, expectantly, right after I wrote that first sentence:

I am out of sorts.

And then, I had nothing.

Hubby once told me: "Your highs are really high, and your lows are really low." It's true.

I don't really do "medium."

This is both a blessing and a curse, 'cause when I'm happy...woo-hoo! But when I'm not,'s not good.

I struggle with this, because I'm never really sure what's "normal."
Is it "normal" to have as many mood swings as I do?
Is it "normal" to be giddy one minute and overwhelmed the next?
Is it "normal" to feel lost for no reason at all?

Am I normal?

There are days when I think it's just physical: I need to get back in the gym. I need to take my vitamins. I need to eat right. I need to be on my routine. I do well on routines.

Then there are days I think it's more than that: Maybe I'm just an overly sensitive person. I over-think everything. I get wrapped up inside my own head. I dream. I plan. I stress. I worry.

It's normal to be in a "funk", no?

I am intense, and usually, I have little tolerance for those who walk around unmoved, blase.

But sometimes I am jealous of those people.

It must be so much easier...walking around with quiet simplicity in their heads. They must not struggle, as I so often do, with the everythings and nothings of Life. Do they ever feel indefinably out of sorts?

I have a Jack Kerouac quote on my refrigerator:

"...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop..."

I am sure I am mad, and certainly desirous of everything at the same time. I'd rather have a mad, loud existence than a quiet, simple one.

But sometimes I think perhaps sanity and nonchalance are a much easier way to live.


  1. Hey Liz, quite a post! Who can really answer that question and say you are/are not normal? It seems the grass is always (or in your case, sometimes) greener on the other side, doesn't it? Girl, if I were you, I would marinate in the funk you're in and ride it out. I don't believe in fighting feelings that one experiences. Before you realize, you will be back on your "high".

    (from HG)

  2. I could have written every. single. word of this. Literally. When you experience your next high, you will be grateful that your mind, spirit and sanity (for lack of a better word) are extraordinary. It's these moments that make the bright ones so sweet. Madness, envy, funk...the marks of a true artist. There is no medium, no mediocrity, because you feel so deeply--and that is a gift.

    I don't know you, so I apologize for commenting on such a personal post -- but your words resonated so much with me and my own experiences....

  3. Love that Kerouac quote, and I hope you find your blue centerlight soon. I think funks are "normal,"(probably because I'm a funk-haver, too). I just have to let it run its course, like the flu. And maybe that's OK?

  4. In fact, making all the sense in the world. Sounding like my very own self, actually. I love that quote and have it near me too. And, like you, I often wish I could live in the "medium" register that so far seems to have eluded me. I try to remember, in the low points, that the highs will come back, as they always have, but that is the hardest thing for me. I hope you have a brighter day soon.

  5. Out of sorts - I so hear what you are saying in this post. I had the same a week or so back and even when it passed I was still left feeling over-sensitive. People responded to my post about the same saying maybe the universe was unaligned this week? Maybe so - the point being that I needed to not panic about my out of sortness as it would pass...
    I hope yours does too x

  6. If I were a hugging person, I'd hug you Liz. I think everyone's right on track. You may have lower lows, but you're aware of it and have the tools to bounce back. Believe in yourself, ride out this funk, and know you are not alone.

  7. It's interesting. I've been reading your blog for about 6 months (probably more). I'm not even sure how I found it. I have a 2-year-old son who is adopted and I started looking for blogs from women who had adopted and yours popped up. Strange...

    Anyway, what's interesting is that the majority of your posts could have come directly from me. I really don't have someone that I can share these feelings with who would understand. My husband is great, but he's the exact opposite of me. He's very laid back and even keel all the time. When I'm happy, you know it. When I'm not, you know it.

    All of your questions about "Is it normal..." really hit home, especially the one about "is it normal to feel lost?"

    I just wanted to say that I appreciate that you have this blog so I can see that I'm not alone. Plus, you're hilarious as hell!

  8. I think that the "normal" people are really the most abnormal. I too have really high highs and really low lows and don't do medium. My response? It's part of my charm.

  9. Liz, I think there is so much uncertainty hanging around us at present moment, it is hard to feel like we know what we are doing. I know that I have been feeling in a funk lately too, and sometimes, you got to simmer in it a little, so that it propels you out of it...

    Just think, nine more weeks! You can do it!

    Besides, normal is overrated, for sure...I like a little off center...I don't think I could be blase about anything if I wanted to...

  10. I can hardly write a sentence lately, and look what you did? I hope you start feeling in sorts soon, though you're top-notch to me, no matter what!

  11. i often wish i wasn't so "aware" of things.
    i often say "ignorance is bliss".
    but in the end, i pity the simplefolk.
    i rather be chaotic and intense than simple and boring.
    i'll take complicated over comforming anyday.

    does this even make sense?

  12. Who wants to be normal - so boring! And I think if more people were honest they'd all say they feel this way sometimes. xx I have an award for you at mine - can't wait to see who you'll pick! xx

  13. Oh, "normal" can also be boring!

    All of us moms feel like this sometimes.

    Thanks for your honest post!

  14. Sorry I'm so late to this post, but I couldn't move on without saying: I hear you, I hear every word of this.

    I often think how much easier things would be if I could turn my brain off more easily, if I lived life more in the middle. But I have to believe that those high highs that come with the low lows make it all worthwhile in the long run - and that maybe we get light and not just heat by trying so hard to get to the sun.

  15. What a touching and poignant post Liz...and yes, you are very normal (in a good and not boring way.) sending positive thoughts (and a cocktail.)

  16. After quickly reading other comments and feeling connected to this piece on my own, I have to say that you are decidedly not alone. But what I've learned, is that through this network of bloggers, that it's knowing that, that makes all the difference. I'm new to your blog and have only read a few posts, so I won't presume to make assumptions, but what I will say is that I think that you are very feeling person and in the end, even though it makes you recognize and fully experience the extremes, it also makes you a tremendously healthy, emotional person. My two cents, I hope you don't mind :-) Really enjoyed your post.

  17. Making perfect sense. Perfect. Writing words that I could have written. Have written. Have scribbled in journals from the time I was a pre-teen, I'm sure.

    I feel almost inept at writing even comments lately. I feel lost during one hour of one day and on top of the world the next day. I am so darn affected by my surroundings and the stimulations of my, emails, blog posts, the tone in my boss's voice, the food I ate, the kids the kids the kids....

    You make more sense than you set out to make, I'm quite sure. You are as perfect in your lows as in your highs. Of that I am sure.

  18. Honestly Liz, we really are living parallel lives. I want so badly to get back into writing something, anything, after returning from vacation and I'm empty. Vacant. Out of sorts as well. I also have such highs and lows and very little in between. And when I'm low, I can't get out of my own way and my own jumbled thoughts in my head. And when I'm high... it's such an amazing place to be. I hear you. Loud and clear.

    I'm hoping tomorrow I can get back into the swing of my blog life and hopefully I'll channel the happiness I felt while I was away when I finally get some words out of my head.

    I hope you're feeling a bit better than a week ago when you wrote this... we'll be here for you no matter what!

  19. I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts that someone (you?) stole from my mind. Freaky.

  20. We might just be the same person. I too lack a medium. I have exquisite highs and rattling lows. I question everything. I get caught up in the torturous tumult of my own mind and desires. Would it be easier to walk through life a smiling robot? Of course. But I wouldn't want that. And neither would you.

    If it makes you feel any better, I think that the funks, the ebbs and flows of serenity, make up very good material for us writers :)

    The point? I'm here with you :)

  21. I totally identify with this...and I see a psychiatrist and take pills and STILL I am moody and up and down...sigh.
    Came by from SITS, great post!

  22. Abnormal is quite normal nowadays.
    I can truly relate to the meal of " mashed randomness".
    I am new to the idea of blogging, but your transmission rings so true, for my spouse and I, that is has played out in our home many times.
    Thanks for the share.


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