Monday, March 29, 2010

Hyperconnected: Somedays I just want to be unplugged

I love this blog. It's become a part of my life and who I am. It has given me an outlet for the words swirling around in my head all the time. And through it, I've "met" other women who also dare to put themselves out there...sharing their thoughts, their fears, their triumphs, and sometimes (oh frivolity!) their latest shopping loot. These blogs have helped me realize I'm not the only one in this whole "Motherhood-can-sometimes-suck" situation, and have made me a better writer. Being exposed to a lot of different voices has helped me refine my own.

But somedays, I just want to quit. I want to turn off the computer, delete my website address, and never read another post again.

I don't like the self-inflicted pressure to constantly be connected.

A couple of weeks ago, Kristen decided she was going on a Digital Diet. She realized that although her blog and its readers were not "empty calories," but part of her "nutrition" and "sustenance," she still needed to set up some ground rules and find some balance. Here's my problem: I think I'm already pretty balanced. I don't post more than a couple of times a week, I limit my reading to a handful of really fantastic blogs, and I try to keep my comments coming but controlled. Yet I still feel overwhelmed sometimes.

I just can't keep up.

I started blogging simply because I wanted to write again. I didn't realize that blogging is not just writing. It's reading. It's following. It's commenting. It's connecting. And I love all of that. But it takes up a lot of time, time I don't have, and quite honestly, time I'd sometimes rather spend doing something else. I am not too happy sitting behind a computer. If it were up to me, I'd write all my posts with a pen and a paper and mail 'em out to you all. I know. I'm archaic. And the Twitter thing? Not for me. I just don't want to be that connected. Because every second I am connected, every second I'm typing or reading or commenting or (God forbid) tweeting, is a second I'm disconnected from the real stuff: my kids, my husband, my friends, my job, my home, my books, my Life. I'm always scared that if I get too caught up writing about life, I might actually miss out on some of it.

I do think part of my problem simply comes from the fact that technology is not my pastime of choice. I'd rather be reading a book, flipping through a magazine, or watching E News than surfing the web. I've never been into chat rooms or instant messaging or Facebook. It's just turned out that in today's world, the online version is the best way to get yourself, your words, out there. So here I am. I went from having absolutely no idea how to even start a blog to using the term "Mr. Linky" around the house. I've resisted most of it. I've tried to learn "just enough."

But it's a struggle I'm finding myself battling more and more as time goes on. I have days when I think: Maybe I'll stop. I'll just stop writing.

But I can't. I can't because this is the most I've felt like my old self again...the self who grew up believing she was going to be a writer.

So I suppose I'll continue to struggle...struggle to keep up with everyone else...struggle to find the time to read and comment and reach out and write my own posts...struggle to find the balance where I can continue to enjoy it and not always feel that pressure to keep up. Because really, who has made up those rules? The ones that say I have to keep up at all? Keep up with who, exactly? The only person measuring and counting is me. The only person beating me up is, as usual, myself.

14 comments:

  1. Blogging is definitely a commitment, but it's a fulfilling one. Being aware of how challenging it is to strike the right balance is a huge piece of the puzzle.

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  2. I've struggled with this too, Liz. I think most of us have, and do. Still do. Lately I've been lucky enough to remember the reasons why I do it. Why I keep writing and keep reading and keep commenting, when I can. For now, this is the bulk of my connection to others. I could get all weepy about the fact that my real life offers me much less connection to other moms, but I won't. I can't do that any more. This is the phase I am in--with myself and with my kids. And for now, it is a phase that I can only enhance by being online when time allows. And, more importantly, giving myself not only an outlet for the writing that I so want to do, but a reason to keep doing it. A little accountability.

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  3. I've struggled with this too, Liz. I think most of us have, and do. Still do. Lately I've been lucky enough to remember the reasons why I do it. Why I keep writing and keep reading and keep commenting, when I can. For now, this is the bulk of my connection to others. I could get all weepy about the fact that my real life offers me much less connection to other moms, but I won't. I can't do that any more. This is the phase I am in--with myself and with my kids. And for now, it is a phase that I can only enhance by being online when time allows. And, more importantly, giving myself not only an outlet for the writing that I so want to do, but a reason to keep doing it. A little accountability.

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  4. If you feel the need to put pen to paper - I'll send you my address, I love to get mail. AND I actually respond in kind! Bonus!

    I know how you feel - and you know what? It's okay to step away from the computer. Blogging is a social activity and just because you are a blogger doesn't mean you HAVE to share everything.

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  5. You know I'm right there with you on this. I am struggling to figure out the "right" amount of time to spend in this world. Some days I think I've got it figured out doing all of my writing, reading and commenting when the kids are asleep or in school but then I realize how many OTHER things I could be doing during those times too. And I have the same thoughts of "just quitting". But for me, it's more than the writing. It's the connections that I honestly can't find with my real life friends. I don't tell most of them even half of what I write about (sad but true)... so I really rely on this world for more than just a creative outlet. I never EVER thought it would become like that, but it has. And I would feel like I had lost some really amazing friends if I just shut down. Closed shop. So I need to keep working on the balance thing because it will totally consume me if I don't!

    And no pressure, but if you stop writing, I'd be really, really really bummed... you're one of the ones who truly keeps me going here! :)

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  6. Yes, this is very tough, isn't it? You're so right that the only one counting is you (or me, if it's my blog). But that somehow doesn't make it easier to disconnect, at least for me. I have no answers, only empathy. Sounds like you're making the tough choices already.

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  7. It is so tough, Liz. I want to acknowledge followers, but how many more blogs can I follow? How many more comments can I leave? I'm exhausted and this takes hours! YET, here in this world I've found women who tell the truth. I can't believe I stumbled upon it - a group of smart, thinking mothers who don't try to live through their children, and don't try to pretend they can do everything perfectly. I belong here.

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  8. It's so true that it's the most time intensive hobby. Nobody tells you how much when you start and all of the sudden, you realize that you're spending countless hours on the internet.

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  9. Like some of your other commenters, I've struggled with the commitment and the pressure to blog. In the end I try to take a step back and only post when I have something to say. But I do still get a little panicky if I feel I'm not posting enough. But real life does have to take priority at all times so I'm just trying to go easy on myself and let myself off for what I see as failure to blog. You should too - I'd rather read two or three really good posts a week than a mediocre one every day.

    Just please don't stop! :o)

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  10. I think that it is hard to shut your mouth when you have finally found your voice. I am sure that you (and all of us who do this) would find other creative outlets, but how many are so interconnected? How many offer the instant response that blogging seems to offer?

    I would miss you too, although, I still get to chat during lunch ;)!

    Hope you are enjoying your time off!

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  11. I wish I had the answers, Liz, because I certainly share the questions. To me it sounds like there's a distinction between where you are (feeling pretty balanced with your life as a mom and as a woman) and where I am (loving my husband and kids, but still feeling a need to connect with my self and others), but for me enforcing some rules upon myself has helped. I've spent much less time online, but better quality time with my family and friends. And it's been worth it.

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  12. I unplugged for a week and loved it...but then again, I was AWAY from home so it was a lot easier. When I'm in the house, that laptop seduces me!

    I struggle, too. Because as I'm writing this, I feel panicked that I've been gone too long, and that's a rotten feeling.

    ((hugs)) I'm with you.

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  13. From reading all the comments before mine, it looks like we all struggle with these issues. I am like you - before I entered the blogosphere, I spent very little time online. I was an email fiend, but avoided facebook and twitter and actually texting, too. And when I launched my blog, I, like you, didn't understand what I was getting into. Nobody tells you that people will talk back, both through their comments and through their blogs, and that in order to be a part of the community you have to actually be a part of the community. You have to participate. Which is the blessing and the curse of this bloggy world. Sometimes it's a burden, the constant connectedness. But most of the time, it's a joy. A release. A place I go to find kindred spirits. Like Kristen, who directed me here, and, from today's post, like you! :)

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  14. So so glad to have found you through Kristen, but feeling a bit like you. Oh no! Another blog that I'm keen to read. I work, I parent, I try to be a friend and wife and now I have this whole blogging gig, which I love, but that consumes me on so many levels. It feeds my soul and that's why I put the effort into it, it makes me think, it helps me feel a part of something, all of which I was looking for.

    However, I am the first to say I am MUCH too connected. It is beyond ridiculous, so I'm trying to set limits. Whether I will be successful will remain to be seen.

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