A case for disconnecting

My husband rarely checks his phone. He is harassed often by his friends, his mother, and occasionally his wife about how long it takes to get a hold of him. Those of us who know him well know that it is not personal or purposeful. And those who know us well, know that if you need to get a hold of him right away, text or call me. Because my husband is rarely looking at his phone, while I, on the other hand, have been slowly becoming that person who rarely does not.

Back in 2009 when I first started this blog, I wrote a post bashing Facebook (and pretty much mocking the people who use it constantly). Now, I refer to FB as my rabbit hole: I open it up to post something or peruse, and I fall in...

I text. Constantly.

If my phone is on the kitchen counter and I walk past it, I will pick it up and check it even if it hasn't rung or beeped or vibrated or dinged, "just in case."

I used to get really, really, really pissed at my friends who had their phones out during dinners or when they came over to visit. Once (possibly more than once), I snatched it away from my girlfriend, hissing about how insulting it was...was my company not enough? Last month, I went away for my annual girls' getaway, and this time it was one of my girls hissing at me (albeit more gently, because, well, let's be honest, I have a reputation for being harsh): "Put. That. Away."

So a couple of weeks ago, when Hubby and I went to Disney World with the kids for four days, I declared a moratorium on all things connected. No Facebook. No texting. No "just checking" either. (Okay, disclaimer: I did post ONE picture on Facebook, but it was with Hubby's blessing and it was too good to pass up...Here it is:)

"Mr. Miyagi would be proud..."

I admit that there were a few moments I wanted to capture and text immediately to a friend with a clever comment, and there were more than a  few times I wanted to post something for the world to see, but for the most part, it was easy. There was something incredibly freeing about clicking off my phone and dropping it in the backpack...never fumbling around and checking my pockets frantically to find it...never missing a moment or a conversation because I was reading a text message. I remember the trip much more clearly, because I was actually present for all of it; I wasn't multitasking or trying to maintain ten conversation threads at once.

And I know what would have happened had I not made that promise to myself and my family at the beginning of the trip: I would have had my phone out in every line, while walking from ride to ride, while sitting on the resort bus.... And I would have been able to rationalize it by saying that I was "only doing it" when nothing else was going on. As a result, I would have missed out on all the conversations and all the comfortable silences, the spontaneous jokes and hugs, the parenting and family time, the snuggling up against my Hubby's shoulder in exhaustion while waiting in line, the great people watching that can only be seen in a place where that many people from that many places congregate.

Something else would have happened too: I've realized I get overstimulated. You know, like when you're a new mom and you're reading the baby books, and they tell you that for some babies, too much stimulation can make them overwhelmed and cranky and unbearable. Well, over the last few months, I've been working a great deal on all that "noise" I talk (and write) about that's always in my head, making me exhausted and stressed out all the time. I've realized that a lot of that comes from the external stimulation I inflict upon myself: not only the phone and the computer, but also the attempts at multitasking, the endless To-Do lists, the self-imposed demands and unrealistic expectations to keep up with it all. So I would have been just one more cranky, annoying, crying baby waiting in line for the Dumbo ride.

I came back from that trip pretty oblivious to what was going on in my social media groups and the blogs I follow. I felt disconnected enough that I neglected (purposefully and consciously) this space for a while, too. I didn't sit on the couch with the laptop open. If I absolutely needed to look something up, I used my phone so I wouldn't linger too long. When I posted something on FB, I tried to resist my Alice in Wonderland incarnation. On Christmas Day, I avoided the internet completely. Although I have to admit that some stress has come from all this (What if my followers stop reading my blog? What if I lose my niche in the little author groups I've joined? What if someone is waiting on me for a response to something?), for the most part, it's been calming. I have had more time to talk to my children. I have had more time to interact with my husband. When I've been with friends, I've been fully present. It's the same old thing we keep reading about and discussing out there regarding the society we live in and all its hyper connectedness: as amazing as it all is, to a great degree, we are missing out on the people who stand before us and the experiences we are literally having in an attempt to post, text, and "connect." 

Partying over at the neighbor's again... (Woo-hoo!)

Since I started this blogging thing, I've "met" some pretty cool people along the way...people I wish truly lived in my neighborhood...women I wish I really could meet for cocktails. Kristen is one of those. She and I would chat about the best formats for a query letter, Lost's Sawyer, whether or not it's possible for Lance Armstrong to ever win another Tour de France, and...oh yeah...that little topic called "motherhood." So please go over to Kristen's house...that's where I am today, guest posting on the topic of...well, let's call it...Competitive Parenting. After you read my post, be sure to take a minute or two to rummage around her place. The coolest thing about Kristen is that she always leaves you with something to ponder.

Thanks for the invite, Kristen, and for serving as the inspiration for my last post!

Hyperconnected: Somedays I just want to be unplugged

I love this blog. It's become a part of my life and who I am. It has given me an outlet for the words swirling around in my head all the time. And through it, I've "met" other women who also dare to put themselves out there...sharing their thoughts, their fears, their triumphs, and sometimes (oh frivolity!) their latest shopping loot. These blogs have helped me realize I'm not the only one in this whole "Motherhood-can-sometimes-suck" situation, and have made me a better writer. Being exposed to a lot of different voices has helped me refine my own.

But somedays, I just want to quit. I want to turn off the computer, delete my website address, and never read another post again.

I don't like the self-inflicted pressure to constantly be connected.

A couple of weeks ago, Kristen decided she was going on a Digital Diet. She realized that although her blog and its readers were not "empty calories," but part of her "nutrition" and "sustenance," she still needed to set up some ground rules and find some balance. Here's my problem: I think I'm already pretty balanced. I don't post more than a couple of times a week, I limit my reading to a handful of really fantastic blogs, and I try to keep my comments coming but controlled. Yet I still feel overwhelmed sometimes.

I just can't keep up.

I started blogging simply because I wanted to write again. I didn't realize that blogging is not just writing. It's reading. It's following. It's commenting. It's connecting. And I love all of that. But it takes up a lot of time, time I don't have, and quite honestly, time I'd sometimes rather spend doing something else. I am not too happy sitting behind a computer. If it were up to me, I'd write all my posts with a pen and a paper and mail 'em out to you all. I know. I'm archaic. And the Twitter thing? Not for me. I just don't want to be that connected. Because every second I am connected, every second I'm typing or reading or commenting or (God forbid) tweeting, is a second I'm disconnected from the real stuff: my kids, my husband, my friends, my job, my home, my books, my Life. I'm always scared that if I get too caught up writing about life, I might actually miss out on some of it.

I do think part of my problem simply comes from the fact that technology is not my pastime of choice. I'd rather be reading a book, flipping through a magazine, or watching E News than surfing the web. I've never been into chat rooms or instant messaging or Facebook. It's just turned out that in today's world, the online version is the best way to get yourself, your words, out there. So here I am. I went from having absolutely no idea how to even start a blog to using the term "Mr. Linky" around the house. I've resisted most of it. I've tried to learn "just enough."

But it's a struggle I'm finding myself battling more and more as time goes on. I have days when I think: Maybe I'll stop. I'll just stop writing.

But I can't. I can't because this is the most I've felt like my old self again...the self who grew up believing she was going to be a writer.

So I suppose I'll continue to struggle...struggle to keep up with everyone else...struggle to find the time to read and comment and reach out and write my own posts...struggle to find the balance where I can continue to enjoy it and not always feel that pressure to keep up. Because really, who has made up those rules? The ones that say I have to keep up at all? Keep up with who, exactly? The only person measuring and counting is me. The only person beating me up is, as usual, myself.

Connecting With My True Self...and Others

I used to think blogging was for dorks...narcissistic techies who had way too much time on their hands.

I decided to start a blog because I was desperate to write. I used to write. All the time. But then I had kids. And like so many other parts of my personality, my writing desire was shoved down into the Diaper Genie.

Originally, my only purpose was to write. I needed to have somewhere to document my thoughts, frustrations, musings...mostly on motherhood but also on all things Me. I never thought my blog would start feeling like a little part of me. I never thought I'd be as proud of it as I am. And I absolutely, most definitely, never thought I'd make actual connections with others out there in the blogging world.

I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the pseudo-anonymity of the Internet. Maybe it's luck that I've stumbled onto other bloggers with whom I can relate. Maybe it's that the timing is just right: I have "grown up," gotten married, bought a "real" house, had my 2 children, and now I'm back to Me. Re-finding me. Re-evaluating me. Re-creating me. And somehow, through writing this blog and reading others', I've peeled off some of the layers...gotten rid of some of the pretenses. And "met" some really incredible women.

I think this is one of the side-effects of blogging that really amazes some of us. We start interacting through this world and somehow, become friends, confidants, cheerleaders. We make connections with other people in a way that is very different from real life. Here, we decide if we "like" each other based on our experiences, our commonalities, our shared lives and the written word. It is amazingly helpful...a relief, really...to know that you are not the only one thinking some of the same thoughts, going through the same experiences, battling the same demons, revelling in the same joys. I think that's why Sarah and Jen at Momalom decided to start Five for Ten...because really, all we want is to be heard and understood, and in order for that to happen, we must be open to others and connect.

Recently, I was "talking" to Sarah, whose honesty is so raw that it can either frighten or inspire you. We were discussing, via our comments and emails, why it is that we can be so honest and bare on our blogs, but in real life...at the playground, at our kids' schools, at work, even with actual friends...we feel the need to put up facades.

I'm someone who has always prided myself on just putting myself out there: you either like me, or you don't. I usually say what I'm thinking, and I don't like to blend in too much. But...

I've realized over the last year or so, as I've looked around at the people who I've chosen to surround myself with, that I have censored myself with most of them. I feel misunderstood, a lot. I feel alone, a lot. I feel, very often, that I'm a little bit insane in a world that looks down on the the crazy people. And you know what? I've decided I kinda like being a little nuts.

It seems that a lot of people are quick to judge. Quick to criticize. Quick to decide how life should be lived.

I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be with people like that. I want to be out there. I want to make connections with other people. I don't care if they're "like me." I just want them to be whoever and whatever they are and not be afraid of that...and be willing to present themselves to me in that way and then return the favor.

It's not that I've pretended to be something I'm not. It's not that I haven't been Who I Am. It's that I've chosen only select parts of Me to be on display with certain people. My uptight friends? They get Type A Liz. My wild friends? They get Loud Liz. My stuffy friends? They only get Serious Liz. I hold back the sides of me that don't really match with the other person...just in case.

It was during one of those email chats with Sarah, when we were discussing our abilities to be so honest in our blogs that I mentioned: "We put ourselves out there and who ever wants in, joins us, and those who don't, simply don't return."

The more I thought about that, the more I reread that line, the more I realized: I want to live my life like that, too. Unapologetic. So, really, it's up to you. Join me, or just don't return. Either way, it's totally okay.

I got an award? For real? Cool.

I am pretty happy when someone who knows me and loves me comments on my blog. I am ecstatic when someone who doesn't know me and doesn't love me (yet) finds me out there in the blogosphere and comments on my blog. So you can only imagine what I was like when I found out that one of those fellow bloggers actually granted me an award! Apparently, I rock. At least just a little teeny bit.

Thank you so much, Sarah at http://www.momalom.com/ for granting me with One Lovely Blog Award! I'm pretty new around here, and I'm learning as I go...but apparently part of the deal is I pass this award on to other bloggers I deem worthy (ooooooh, the power...!). So go on and check out the following mommy blogs...

A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Girl's Gone Child

Sarcastic Mom

The Pink Chandelier

Chicky Chicky Baby

Keep reading and I'll keep writing!

Wanna be my friend?

My friends had been harassing me for months about joining Facebook. "It's so fun!" they'd say. "What are you waiting for?" "Just try it!" "You're the only one not doing it, ya' know..."

Sounds like high school...all over again.

And I didn't really like high school the first time around.

I didn't even budge when pictures of a weekend getaway with friends were being held ransom on Facebook. Why can't you just show me the pictures? Oh, actual hard copies of photos are too last decade for you? Okay, how about you email them to me? Give me a CD? Make me a frickin' PowerPoint.

But alas, I gave in. Everyone told me I just had to be on Facebook now that I'm blogging. Fine. I begrudgingly joined. Everyone also told me that once I was on, I'd love it. "It's addictive!" "Don't you love it?!" "It's a whole new world!" I may be on Facebook but I'm still not into Facebook. Maybe I should not be admitting this publicly. Maybe I'm at risk of losing some of my newly acquired--and still quite tenuous--internet/blogging/techie credibility, but I just don't get it. For example, why is it that people who barely say "hello" to me at work are now suddenly asking to be my friends? People are popping out of nowhere..."requesting my friendship." Golly, gee, thanks, I'm flattered. (Not really.) It's like a competition...whose Friends List is the longest? I'm telling you, it's high school all over again...when we used to highlight the names of everyone we "knew" in the yearbook, even if we just sat near them in a class but never spoke a word to them, because the amount of highlighting in your yearbook was a testament to your social standing.

And can someone explain to me this phenomenon of "updating your status"? "Liz just woke up." "Liz is going to make dinner. " "Liz is preparing a bottle of formula." Do any of you really care WTF I'm doing at that exact moment? I know someone who was actually updating her status ("sitting at a bar with my girlfriends") while out with a bunch of us. Apparently, it is no longer enough to be really out with your friends, live and in person. We gotta hang out with our cyber friends simulataneously too. Now we are even multi-tasking in our relationships.

And really, are these relationships? Aren't we watering down the meaning of the word "friend"? If we're posting our pictures, our thoughts, and even our whereabouts online, how much time is left to actually socialize? (No, I don't consider Facebook to be socializing.) I mean, something's gotta give....even those of you who have lots of spare time (read: don't have children) are actually spending a great deal of yours online and simple math means that there is less of it left for The Real World.
I know, I know...you guys are gonna go straight to Facebook and delete me now, aren't ya?

Technology frustrates me.

You know those people who just looooove technology? They know all kinds of jargon, applications, shortcuts. They carry iPhones, schedule on BlackBerries, even watch TV shows online. They upload, download, blog, and Twitter. Well, I'm not one of them. When I try to print something and get an error message, I want to throw away my printer and buy a new one.

I hate technology. I do. I have no idea how I ended up blogging, or texting, or even signing in to Facebook (yes people, I gave in). Sometimes I think I have no business here. And yet, here I am, and here you all are...reading my posts, supporting me, giving me tips, cheering me on...all while snickering in disbelief. So this post is really one part "shout-out," one part apology, and one part request for help. First the shout out part...thanks to all of you who have taken the time to log on and read, sign in and "follow," comment, or forward the blog to your friends. I can't believe how many of you have NOT mocked, criticized, or asked incredulously "Why???" (at least not to my face, which is good enough for me). I am trying to post daily so keep coming back. The apology part goes out to all of you have tried to comment, follow, or something or other and are receiving error messages (or no messages at all) from The Mysterious World of Technology. I am trying to figure out why these glitches are happening and how I can fix them. I am also trying to learn how to improve my blog and most importantly how to get it "out there"...develop a fan base (other than those of you who feel obligated to read it because you love me--or at least like me a teeny bit). Hence, the request part: If any of you have any tips on blogging and all that comes with it (or know someone who do), I'd be forever in your debt. (No, I'm not paying anyone in shoes but I might offer you my first born on one of his bad days.)