Thursday, March 24, 2011


It is inevitable that, at some point in life, someone will disappoint you.

I understand that.
I expect that.
But what I have a really hard time with is letting it go, especially when it happens repeatedly and intentionally.

I realize, as I begin this post, that there is a strong possibility that it will not make sense. That when people read this, they will be left only with questions, and possibly wondering why I would write something in a way that doesn’t really give a clear picture. But sometimes, you just have to write stuff for yourself. You just have to get it out.

Consider this an exorcism of anger.

Everyone has issues. No one is perfect. And certainly, no one can behave perfectly every time with every one. But really, that whole little excuse people toss around: “Oh, that’s just how they are”…? That’s bullshit. People treating people poorly isn’t okay. Especially when you actually know each other. Especially when you actually shared a lifetime’s worth of secrets and stories together.

When you just become too wrapped up in your own life, your own world, your own head, that you can’t take a moment to step out of it long enough to ask someone else about her life, her kids, her stuff…that’s not just being flaky, or ditsy, or busy. That’s not “That’s just how she is.” That’s selfish. That’s inconsiderate. That’s rude. And that, in my book, is unforgivable.

When your own issues and personality “quirks” make you a burden in my life, when you can not bring yourself to reach out and return a gesture, an interest, a thought, then I’m done with you. And I don’t really care if that’s just the way you are. I don’t care if you don’t mean anything by it. Because it’s pretty damn obvious that you don’t care, either, about me or my world.

I understand that, in relationships, there’s an ebb and flow. There are times when one person will have to give more, one person will have to be more available, one person will have to be more patient. That’s what relationships are for: not just to enjoy the good times, but to carry the other one’s load when it gets a bit too heavy for a while. But when that becomes all there is…when it’s all about one of you, for a long, long time…when the other one is forgotten…when it becomes completely one-sided…then you walk away (I do, anyhow) because it’s unacceptable, and life is too short. And my life, right now, is filled with wonderful people and amazing things. And when someone becomes toxic, when your presence literally pains me instead of elevates me, then I’m done.

And what drives me the craziest…what bites at my subconscious constantly and makes me desperately want to try to understand...what makes me consider actually having yet another conversation about this that it’s just not normal. It’s just not socially acceptable responses. It’s unexplainable.

And, I suppose, this is why so many are suggesting that there must be a reason for this person’s behavior. “It just doesn’t make sense,” is what I hear over and over again. “Maybe there’s something going on.”


But I doubt it. Because this is just this person’s method of operation, historically.


But I don’t care. Because after you’ve been figuratively beat up for a couple of years and you’ve been chronically bewildered and disappointed by behavior for even longer, you get tired of making excuses…you get tired of defending and explaining… You realize that you were the first person to shrug and say "But that’s just how she is.”


  1. Just today, I caught myself saying to my daughter and son, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." (And I think there was a "Hush your mouth!" in there, too.) Sounds like you know someone who needs to hear those wise words, too! (Hugs.)

  2. Hugs to you. Been there. Unfortunately, it seems that today too many people are selfish and it's always about them. I've learned to avoid them if at all possible - because I just don't have time for all that.

  3. Wow. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people like that walk amongst us...How sad that people cannot see past their own selfishness and self absorption to see others, to hear others, and be the friend to those who have been there.

    I am glad that you are strong enough to walk away. I know how difficult it can be...((you))

  4. **walking amongst us**

    I wish I had an editor...(sigh)

  5. Very well written Liz, I totally understood what you meant.

    I haven't been in this situation with a friend but I feel that way about my brother in law. He is exactly the same age as me but behaves like a sulky teenager. He is incredibly selfish and it's always "well, that's just the way he is!" It drives me nuts. Absolutely crazy!! Even my husband (his brother) won't tackle him on his selfishness....argggh!!

    I can't really get him out of my life...but if I could.....

    You are definitely better off without friends like that in your life though xx

  6. Liz, when I read this post at first I felt sad for you b/c you are letting go of someone you obviously care(d) about. Then, glad for you b/c I know how "light" you will feel after letting such a weight go. But ultimately, I love the line you said "I don't care". I laughed out loud. Who cares why you've decided what you have decided? It works for you and that's all that matters!

  7. I totally get this!
    and it is hard. hard. hard.
    to love.
    and especially to know when it is time to move on. It almost seems easier in dating relationships because there are defined rules, but for me, friendships can be just as messy.

  8. Sending hugs and a martini....I don't know about you but there have been some friendships I have had to let go of over the years because I realized they were more hurtful to me than anything.

  9. It's hard when you get to that place where you see someone for who they are and it isn't pretty. Excusing it for so long makes it so much harder when you realize that "way" they are is purely selfish. Do they realize it? Maybe. Maybe not. But they should. Of course, they should.

    I always hope that no one can write these words about me, but I fear they could. It's good that you're getting it out. I hope it helps.

  10. You are certainly not alone, in fact just today a friend of mine is feeling the exact same way. It's hard to distance a relationship that has such a history, but really... it's been distant for awhile, you are just now realizing it.

    Sometimes it takes a shrinking audience for one to learn that sucking the attention out of her friends isn't really working for her anymore, and it's a little lonely out there just looking at yourself and talking to yourself about yourself. But perhaps that will help her learn something and grow... or just find a new audience. ;)


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