Friday, February 19, 2010

Ten years, another life, a different person

Ten years ago today I walked away. I left.

I was done.

I walked away from a life I had built with another man, a life I thought I was supposed to want, a life I thought was appropriate and expected for a girl my age, of my culture, my neighborhood.

I walked away from a marriage that was, according to most, not bad enough to leave.

I think most people thought I was supposed to be satisfied with that.

I think, for a long time, I thought I was supposed to be, too.

He never made my toes curl. He never made my heart flutter. He never took my breath away. But when I met him, he was nice and mature and most importantly at the time, immediately accepted by my family. He was my sister's type. He was my parents' type. I knew, even then, that he was certainly not my type.

As the years went on, I followed the exact blueprint my sister, my cousins, my neighborhood friends all followed: date, college, marriage. Even my wedding looked like everybody else's. And as I neared my mid-twenties, I found myself suffocating. Almost literally. I couldn't breathe. And it wasn't in the good way.

Our marriage wasn't exactly an act. I did not purposely set out to make people think we were perfect. I think, in fact, I set out to make myself think we were perfect. I have finally figured out, just now, that I just could not bear the thought of settling. I couldn't imagine having to spend a lifetime with a man I was not desperately, frighteningly passionate about. And so now I realize that all the years people accused me of pretending that I was happy, I was, in fact, pretending, but not for their sake. For my own.

When I told people I'd left, almost everyone's response was identical: "But why? He was such a nice guy." After a few of these, I regained my balance enough to respond with: "Yeah, I'm pretty nice too." This made people uncomfortable. And at this point, I realized I didn't care that much if people were uncomfortable anymore. I'd spent nearly 9 years uncomfortable. It was time for me to remember who I was, what I wanted, and flip off the world.

So I left.
.
It was the scariest thing I ever did.

Being brought up by parents who did not let me cross the street (literally), I did not get many opportunities to be brave. I never had too many opportunities to make decisions, especially not difficult ones, so I have never been particularly good at trusting my instincts. This was the only time in my life when I made a decision completely and utterly on my own. I wanted no input from anyone. I didn't want anyone to persuade or reassure me. So I told no one. Until the day I left. And then, all hell broke loose.
.

I was criticized for wanting too much, for expecting too much, for leaving without having a tangible reason to do so.

.

Fortunately, as time passed, many things came to light about him and about me that made people understand, much later, that what I had done was the absolute right thing. But then? On that day, 10 years ago today? Even I wasn't so sure that I wasn't a little bit crazy.

.

It was the best thing I ever did.

.

Go figure...the one time I made a decision on my own, it worked out. Big-time.

.

I wasn't sure, then, what kind of life I wanted. I just knew that I didn't want That. I didn't want Him.

.

Leaving that life behind, I was able to find a new one. New friends. New man. New life. Me, again. It is hard to even remember that girl...who I was for a while, in that marriage, with that person.

.

Ten years.

It feels like a lifetime ago.

24 comments:

  1. I bet there are so many women who feel like you felt 10 years ago but are just to afraid to take that step. Good for you, actually, great for you : ) Happiness is priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for being so open and for giving me some thought to it...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good for you!! You are a brave woman!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Liz....you are amazing.

    I enjoy your blog so much....for lots of reasons really.....but a big one is your honesty, you are so inspiring.....I really mean that.

    It is so easy, consciously or subsconsciously, to go along with others expectations of you.....I know as the "good girl" in my family, that that hung over me for years, and in fact, it still does to some extent!

    You must have had enormous courage to leave the marriage, especially knowing how people would respond and how they would inevitably wonder what was "wrong" with you, since your ex-husband seemed like the one.

    How wonderful then that you are now married to the most fantastic man and that you are clearly so happy.....you deserve it.

    Fabulous post! xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. way to go girl! we are sisters and don't know each other, well, let me introduce myself, my name is Carol. so, now that we are sisters, are we having the picnic at your place or mine? lol take care.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It always baffles me that people thing you need a "bigger" reason to leave than "I am not happy." WTF? That's plenty reason!

    Good for you, brave girl.

    ReplyDelete
  7. *think*--lazy fingers this morning :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. You were very brave...you must have instinctively realised that you'd be happier apart and knew you were making the right decision x

    ReplyDelete
  9. What a raw and honest post. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a beautiful tribute to yourself. :0) As I read I admired your strength to break the chain of what was "supposed to be" for what you WANTED and loved and desired. :0) Thank you so much for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a lesson you are to those who are too afraid to rock the boat. Your babies are so blessed to have you as their role model.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Different reasons, different story, but same theme in my life, Liz. I was a different person 10 years ago (or so). Unhappy. Miserable. And it all feels like a lifetime ago. I remember so much of it so clearly but have to really shake myself to see that it's MY life I'm remembering and not some scene in a movie.

    You left. And now you have a life I am SURE that so many are envious of. Your relationship with your husband astonishes me every time you write about it and I'm tickled pink by the passion you have for one another.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I loved this. It's why I love you so much. You are passionate... about the wonderful things and the tough things. You know what you want and you make them happen (or try to). My very best IRL friend had an identical (in writing) story to yours. Everyone thought she had it all with her husband but she knew she didn't. She was desperate but scared to leave. And then one day she did. Without telling anyone. Just showed up on her mom's doorstep with a pillow. Best thing she ever did. And my point of telling you about my friend? I don't have one except to say that I was so proud of her. And now I am of you because you live a life anyone would love to have.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You know how I feel about this...although not with the marriage thing, certainly with teh whole daughter thing...and you have to be happy for yourself, because you are the one you ALWAYS have to live with...So many lives change with just one step. Sometimes you just have to hold on to your ass, jump, and pray you land on both feet...because anything is better than suffering in silence and plastering a frozen smile on your face for all the world to see...Good for you!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good for you. What a great story, and testament to how we do know ourselves best of all, even when we doubt that. I could use a little of this bravery (not about my marriage, but just trusting myself in general) right now, and so I thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Posts like this one have earned you an award! :0)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you, Liz. For sharing this real story. This real truth. You are strong. You are brave. You are inspiring.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to leave...and how you must feel now, looking back at that young girl you used to be. 10 years feels like a different lifetime, doesn't it?

    Thank you for sharing something so personal and beautifully written

    ReplyDelete
  19. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to make the decision to leave but wow - you have so made the right decision

    Its a beautiful post

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sorry to be so late to see this post - one that really blew me away. I admire your courage and self-knowledge in making what must have been an incredibly difficult decision. And I can't get over how fortuitous it was, given how happy you are now. As Kitch noted, safeguarding your own happiness is justification enough for just about anything.

    ReplyDelete
  21. WOW! The emotions behind the words are so strong and powerful. I am left speechless in a very good way! I hope we are raising our children to be more in tune with their inner feelings so they stop mistakes before they happen. Your true heart shows here!

    ReplyDelete
  22. This story reminds me of my own, Liz. I know that I had a different, better vision of what my life could be and what love could be. I also knew that, whatever might happen in the future, I couldn't waste one more minute of my life with him. Best thing I ever did too!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi Liz, I've just found your blog and this post hits me hard. I've had a similar experience, only from the other side of the coin. My husband left me after 11 years together (four of those married) nearly four years ago. I was devastated at the time and it seemed he had no real reason to leave. But boy am I glad he made that decision. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm now myself again - I didn't realise I'd lost myself! I'm doing all the things I always wanted to do but never got round to because I was too busy pretending that we had the perfect marriage... we should have just stayed best friends from the start and everyone would have been happier.

    But then again, isn't it experiences like these that actually help make us into the people we are today? In which case, i wouldn't change a thing.

    Thanks for this blog post. It's beautifully written and definitely heartfelt. It's dragged up some hellish feelings, but in a good way, if that's possible!

    Just off to follow you!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I just found your blog...seriously a moment ago, and want to tell you that you are amazing and brave and true. I love your real.
    So great to find your blog.

    ReplyDelete

Comments rock...