Monday, October 12, 2009

Further evidence that mommyhood sucks the COOL right out of you...

So this weekend, Hubby and I had babysitting. Babysitting always means cocktails. A lot of them. So 5 1/2 hours and 3 wine bottles later (What? We were on the beach. It was hot. We were thirsty. Really thirsty.), we ended up on South Beach. We head over to THE pizza place...this place is synonymous with South Beach, clubbing, and the IT scene. Now you have to understand, this is not a chic place, really...more like a greasy, noisy, crowded hole in the wall with a gazillion delicious pizzas you order from behind a glass case and then stand around and try not to tip over in your drunken exhaustion as you thank the heavens that this place exists and wonder how in the world a place this greasy can mass produce pizza this good.

So we're standing in line and I am not even caring that we are finishing our night up at 8:30 while the South Beach-ites around us are just starting to ponder which uber-chic club they will go to before ending up right back at the same pizza spot. I am feeling pretty happy...the kind of happy you can only get with a bottle (or three) of wine, a day on the beach, and uninterrupted time with Hubby. This is when I get the uncontrollable urge to pee.

I saunter on down the long dark passageway of patrons and pizzas towards the bathroom. I yank on the handle, but nothing happens. I read the blurry sign on the door. Yep. Ladies Restroom. I pull again. Nothing. Within my drunken near-stupor, I notice an intimidating-looking brass contraption at the top of the door. I can not for the life of me figure out what in the world that is or how it functions, but I know, with every passing second that I must get into that bathroom. Turning over to the end of the pizza counter, I spot an employee...picture: toothless trucker/homeless guy who happens to run a ridiculously lucrative pizza joint in South Beach. Yeah. I can't figure it out either. But there he was, raspy voiced and greasier than the linoleum.

"Hi!" I bubble over to him. "How do I get into the bathroom?"

Without even looking over at me, he grumbles, "Ya' gotta put a coin in."

I blink.

"A coin? What do you mean? Do you have a key or something?"

Unable to be bothered by the likes of perky, confused, sloshed li'l ol' me, he shoves a gold circle into my hand. "Here," he grunts.

"What's this?"

"A token." Still grumbling. Still not looking at me.

"A token?"

"Yeah, a token."

I look down into my palm. I blink rapidly. Confused. I stand there, frozen, my alcohol-saturated brain trying to make some sense. Then, suddenly, it dawns on me. My face lights up.

"Ooooooh!" I squeal, smiling. "You mean like at Chuck E. Cheese?!?"

Raspy-greasy-can't-be-bothered-pizza-guy finally looks at me. Now it's his turn to blink rapidly and look confused. After a long pause, he responds: "Sorta."

I skip merrily to the bathroom, token in hand.


  1. That is hysterical and wrong on so many levels. You have to PAY to pee? Would they prefer people peeing on their floors? Or peeing right outside their door? And your response was THE BEST. Good for you for getting out for a night like that. Hope you were feeling ok on Sunday!

  2. CHUCK E. CHEESE??!!!?!?...Liz, you gotta get out more! By the way, don't you know that Chuck E. Cheese is parental purgatory/hell for parent misdeeds...That was too funny! Thanks for the laugh...

  3. that's awesome...i believe i made a reference to the Wonderpets and teamwork during actual adult conversation. the husband was mortified. he'll get over it.

    your blog is awesome follower!

  4. Ha! That's hysterical - wonder if you are the first mom to utter the words "Chuck E. Cheese" in a drunken stupor at South Beach. If so, you should be PROUD!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  5. REALLY????!!!! You have to pay to pee now??? (see how long it's been since I've been out!)

    BTW, I LOATHE Chuck E Cheese; been there once swore I'd never go back. And I haven't.

  6. LOL!!!! Tooo funny and soooo true although I dislike Chuck E Cheese. I would cringe when I saw a mother coming towards me with a white envelope. Auuuugh! Glad those days are over.
    I'm happy I stopped by. Have a great weekend in Motherhood!

  7. Oh My! :-)
    Visiting from SITS. Have a blessed day.

  8. I think the important part of this story is that you and your husband managed to go through three bottles of wine...THAT is impressive! :) Sounds like a fun date!

    And coin operated toilets? Wow, just wow...

    Thanks for coming by my blog! Adding you to my blogroll as well, you're a hoot!

  9. Talk about extorting money from customers! Paying to go potty, that's a new one. No wonder it's a lucrative business for the guy.

    Found you via SITS.

  10. I can't believe that! You have to pay to pee in South Beach? Crazy.

    I used to live in Delray Beach. I loved it and would love spending nights in South Beach. Now I live in...get this....CANADA! (Well, I was Canadian to start with, I was just moonlighting in FLA). I'm going to subscribe to you so that I can relive those glory days! ;)

  11. Wow! Really?! Pay to pee? Well at least you got in there right? :)
    Visiting from SITS

  12. Wow just read this one! Crazy funny... very much you. Why didn't we hear about this one live?

  13. MWHAHAHAHHA! you're too funny! i love this post! lol! I have moments like this!

    Thanks for following my blog, by the way!

  14. Brilliant! I just stumbled across this blog thru momalom and had to say this is too funny. I'll never look at chuck e cheese the same way again.

  15. To funny, I have a friend who straddled a plant once because she couln't get into the bathroom, you stor turned out much better. Happy New Year.


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