Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I can only "do nothing" if I schedule it in

I love to run. As luck would have it (my luck anyways), however, my knees don't. So yesterday I had to get yet another MRI done on each knee. For those of you who have never had an MRI, let's just say that it's not exactly fun. If you are even a teeny, itty bitty, tiny bit claustrophobic, you're screwed. There's no other way around that. If you don't actually mind being pushed into a startlingly noisy, sterile coffin-like machine for anywhere from 15 minutes to over an hour and being told to "keep very still" although you are absolutely shivering because they keep that room set to like, oh, maybe 52 degrees, then it's, at best, just a pain in the ass. My husband's suggestion: "Why don't you sleep?" "Sleep?!?" Apparently, that's what he did when he went in for an MRI a few weeks ago. "It was nice," he said. And so, as I was lying there "very still," I thought "Okay, maybe I can nap. Maybe I will nap! Sure, I will take a nap!" Uh. No. I forgot. I don't do that. I can't do that. My husband is in an almost constant state of relaxation. He can nap in the MRI machine. He can nap (and snore) during the final relaxation pose of yoga class (which is why he was no longer allowed to go with me). I, on the other hand, am always doing something--even when I'm doing nothing. While in the MRI machine, for example, I accomplished a great deal:

  1. I planned this blog post.
  2. I planned what I'd wear to work the next day.
  3. I planned what I was going to make for dinner.
  4. I learned many of the lyrics of today's top 20 hits. (They give you headphones in an attempt to drown out that crazy noise. It doesn't work.)
  5. I calculated how much spending money I had left for the week out of my new budget.
  6. I counted all the things I might need to spend my spending money on before the end of the week.

Of course, the blog post took on a life of its own. I totally did NOT wear that cute outfit. I got take out. I forgot all the lyrics. I'm broke anyways.

When will I learn?

There is always noise in my head. I can't shut it off, unless...I plan for it. How screwed up is that?!? I can actually relax, do nothing, just sit...if it's scheduled. As in..."We have babysitting so let's go to the beach and do nothing." That's the only way. Don't get me wrong. I do things everyday that I find relaxing. I read. I write. I work out. I watch "Lost" and "What Not To Wear". But these things are all part of My Plan. My Routine. And really, still, they are all activities, things I am doing, and therefore are deemed worthy of my extremely limited time. In fact, I was recently telling a friend about my summer cruise, and she was saying "Oh, I could never enjoy that kind of vacation. I'm not good at just sitting." And my response was: "That's because you don't have kids! When you have kids, all you want to do is sit." That may be true, but apparently wanting it is not enough for me to break out of my screwed up, noisy little head to actually do it on a regular basis. Not even in the MRI machine.

1 comment:

  1. you are so my cuban-american soulmate.
    this is exactly what would happen to me, were i in this mri situation. except, i would never even be able to accomplish a list, it would just be a bunch of random to do thoughts scrambled together and overwhelming feelings of unworthiness.


Comments rock...